Freaky Friday - my sleep paralysis story

Some of you reading this will think I’m crazy. That’s ok. I thought I was crazy too. Until this year.

As a child, I had nightmares. But these weren’t ordinary ones. First, I’d be chased by something I couldn’t see, and I’d run. When the “thing” nearly caught me (as it always did), I tried to scream and wake up. But I couldn’t. I was paralysed. No sound came out. I got pulled deeper into sleep and deeper into the nightmare. It sucked me in against my insignificant will.

The worst part was being conscious during each nightmare.

Somehow, when I should have faced certain death - I jolted myself awake. And I’d wake up freaked out. Too scared to go back to bed. Or I’d turn on the light or get up so the nightmare didn’t start again. For a child (actually for anyone), this is seriously anxiety producing.

As I got older, I found out these episodes are called sleep paralysis. My nightmares became worse. I experienced “hallucinations” of someone else being in my room or seeing a clearer shadow of the “thing” chasing me. And difficulty breathing.

By the time you’re an adult, your childhood nightmares should well and truly be over. But at 25, I was living with my brother and had one of the worst ones ever. I was being chased, I could see the shadow of some evil spirit, I was being sucked in to sleep. I couldn’t move. I felt something heavy on my chest, no sound came out, and then the spirit was in my room. I honestly thought I’d die in my sleep.

Again, I saved myself by forcing with everything I had left, to wake up. I ran downstairs to my brother’s bedroom and banged on his door. It was 3am. He refused to let me in until I cried saying I was scared from a terrible nightmare. He eventually relented and I slept in the foetal position at the foot of his bed.

The nightmares continued but became less frequent, so I thought I’d be ok. I sensed evil each time they occurred, shadows and spirits chasing me. And then, what I can only describe as a heavy ghost sitting on my chest, sinking itself into me and trying to drown me with its evil spirit…

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In 2020, after I moved to Cambodia, I saw an episode on the 2Khmerican sisters podcast on sleep paralysis. I was too scared to listen. In Khmer culture, this is called “khmauch songkut” (a ghost sitting on top of your chest). It’s the first time I’d heard the term but I knew that this was EXACTLY what I had experienced all my life.

In Khmer culture, it could mean that the ghost wants to take your spirit with them. Or kill you. Or just scare you. None of these are good!

Whether you believe in ghosts or spirits or not is up to you. Personally, I believe that there are countless spirits in Cambodia who have not crossed over, and are trapped here, because of the horrific way in which they died during the Khmer Rouge regime. All I can say is that I felt the heaviness of the spirits and the deep trauma of this country as soon as I arrived.

One night, something different happened.

The nightmare begins. But this time I’m dreaming about being in my bedroom. That’s never happened before. Like I’m out of my body watching myself in real time. An evil spirit is in my room. I feel him coming. And then I see him. I see his face. I have never seen a face before. It is clear as day.

He has a terrifying old man’s face, with long white hair and he is snarling and ugly. He is coming for me. He moves towards the bed and he’s hovering over me and he’s going to sit on my chest. He opens his threatening mouth over me, to suck my soul into it. I am losing this battle. And I am powerless.

And then a thought comes to me. I close my eyes and surrender. Let him come, let him think he’s won. This is the first time I think strategy in a nightmare. As he takes over, I’ve gathered my strength for one last retaliation. I push him back and I actually yell out “NO!!” And then I wake up. I found my voice, for the first time ever.

Something profound happened to me that night. Since then, I haven’t had a single nightmare. And no ghosts have sat on my chest.

I know the reason why I was able to fight back. But I’ll save that for another day.

Have a restful sleep tonight. May it not be filled with “khmauch songkut”.